"Should a child of an alcoholic neither become alcoholic, nor marry an alcoholic, emotional and/or psychological patterns develop which may cause problems for this person in adulthood. Adult children of alcoholics often have difficulties identifying and expressing feelings. They become rigid and controlling. Some find themselves overly dependent on others; they feel no sense of power of choice in the way they live. A pervasive sense of fear and guilt often exists in their lives. Many experience depression and frequently do not have the ability to feel close or to be intimate with another human being."
"I believe helplessness, despair and hopelessness cause family members to believe -- if you just ignore it, maybe it will not hurt; if you just ignore it, it may just go away."
"Children raised in alcoholic family structures have learned how to not trust others in talking about the real issues. They have also learned it is simply best to not trust that others will be there for them, emotionally, psychologically, and possibly even physically. To trust another means investing confidence, reliance, and faith in that person. Confidence, reliance, and faithfulness are virtues often missing in the alcoholic home. Children need to be able to depend on parents to meet their physical and emotional needs in order to develop trust. In alcoholic environments, parents simply are not consistently available to their children either by being drunk, physically absent, or mentally and emotionally preoccupied with alcohol, or with the alcoholic."
"I'm order for children to trust, they must feel safe. They need to be able to depend on their parents for friendly help, concern and guidance in responding to physical and emotional needs."
"The child is confused because one message is coming from his parent's words, and a contradictory message is coming from the body movement and tone of voice. Such confusing messages propel the child into a life of second guessing what is really happening."
"The single-most important ingredient in a nurturing relationship -- in any relationship -- is honesty. No child can trust, or be expected to trust, unless those around him are also open and honest about their own feelings."
"Love is caring enough to help but sometimes it runs out."
"People tend to deny and minimize both situations and feelings in order to hide their own pain; they don't want to be uncomfortable. It is this ability to deny which ultimately interferes in the emotional and psychological stability of children of alcoholics when they reach adulthood."
"It is easy to see how adjusters find mates who cause uproar. This state of living in constant agitation becomes their comfort zone because they are perpetuating childhood roles of adapting to inconsistent people. They know how to handle chaotic situations -- adjust. Yet, this kind of self-negating adjusting results in the person becoming depressed, isolated and lonely."
"I need to become more selfish. I must quit serving everyone else at my own expense, but I don't know how. I feel so guilty. Giving to others is not bad, but giving at the expense of our own well-being is destructive."
"Although they appear to be living their lives the way they want, they still feel apart from others; they feel lonely. They don't have equal relationships with others; and they always give too much and refrain from putting themselves in a position to receive."
"We are seeking help because we hurt as a result of your alcoholism. You can get help too, if you want, but we need and want help for ourselves regardless of what you do."
"Tell them from now on, this family is going to try to be more open and honest about family affairs and about feelings. Denial only harbors resentment, distrust and fear."
"I believe a child can survive a family crisis as long as he or she is told the truth and allowed to share the natural sequence of feelings people experience when they suffer."
"Emotions become so much more powerful when they are not outwardly expressed, secrets can cause a great deal more pain than is necessary."
"Before you, the adult child, are ready to continue in a therapeutic process, recognize two basic rights: 1) You have the right to talk about the real issues, and 2) you have the right to feel. You no longer have to pretend things are different from how they are, or were. There are legitimate reasons for the way you feel. There are reasons for the craziness and the confusion you experience. By focusing on these issues, you are not blaming anyone for the situation but simply trying to readjust and live in a way which allows openness, honesty and love to be a normal, healthy part of your life."
"Acceptance of feelings, i.e. anger or joy, without a harsh judgment and a related major decision, combined with the ability to express feelings will decrease fear and feelings of alienation towards oneself."
"As these children of alcoholics become adults many of them continue to experience fear of confrontation. For so many adult children, confrontation is simple disagreement, or questioning -- but the fear is, nonetheless, intense and based on what they perceived to be a real confrontation. These fears may stem from years of harassment by a parent, which always resulted in the child feeling guilty or humiliated. These fears persist, also, because there was never any normal disagreement in their alcoholic homes. Any expressed disagreement resulted in yelling and loud arguing because the alcoholic could not tolerate anyone disagreeing with him/her. Disagreement was perceived by the alcoholic as betrayal, and resulted in actions which belittled and condemn the child."
"I have a lot of issues to deal with about my mother, her constant criticism, guilt because I didn't know why I was being criticized, and finally, my guilt for being alive."
"Extremely responsible, overachieving young people often become very rigid and controlling adults. They find it is necessary for them to manipulate other people. Controlling provides security, and not being in control would mean total insecurity."
"Children of alcoholics grow up never having shared their closest thoughts or feelings with even their very best friend. It is a very lonely, isolated way of growing up. This loneliness continues into adulthood because no one understood their trauma nor wanted to take the time to talk to these children."
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