Sam Reviews: "It Will Never Happen to Me" by Claudia Black

"Should a child of an alcoholic neither become alcoholic, nor marry an alcoholic, emotional and/or psychological patterns develop which may cause problems for this person in adulthood. Adult children of alcoholics often have difficulties identifying and expressing feelings. They become rigid and controlling. Some find themselves overly dependent on others; they feel no sense of power of choice in the way they live. A pervasive sense of fear and guilt often exists in their lives. Many experience depression and frequently do not have the ability to feel close or to be intimate with another human being."

"I believe helplessness, despair and hopelessness cause family members to believe -- if you just ignore it, maybe it will not hurt; if you just ignore it, it may just go away."

"Children raised in alcoholic family structures have learned how to not trust others in talking about the real issues. They have also learned it is simply best to not trust that others will be there for them, emotionally, psychologically, and possibly even physically. To trust another means investing confidence, reliance, and faith in that person. Confidence, reliance, and faithfulness are virtues often missing in the alcoholic home. Children need to be able to depend on parents to meet their physical and emotional needs in order to develop trust. In alcoholic environments, parents simply are not consistently available to their children either by being drunk, physically absent, or mentally and emotionally preoccupied with alcohol, or with the alcoholic."

"I'm order for children to trust, they must feel safe. They need to be able to depend on their parents for friendly help, concern and guidance in responding to physical and emotional needs."

"The child is confused because one message is coming from his parent's words, and a contradictory message is coming from the body movement and tone of voice. Such confusing messages propel the child into a life of second guessing what is really happening."

"The single-most important ingredient in a nurturing relationship -- in any relationship -- is honesty. No child can trust, or be expected to trust, unless those around him are also open and honest about their own feelings."

"Love is caring enough to help but sometimes it runs out."

"People tend to deny and minimize both situations and feelings in order to hide their own pain; they don't want to be uncomfortable. It is this ability to deny which ultimately interferes in the emotional and psychological stability of children of alcoholics when they reach adulthood."

"It is easy to see how adjusters find mates who cause uproar. This state of living in constant agitation becomes their comfort zone because they are perpetuating childhood roles of adapting to inconsistent people. They know how to handle chaotic situations -- adjust. Yet, this kind of self-negating adjusting results in the person becoming depressed, isolated and lonely."

"I need to become more selfish. I must quit serving everyone else at my own expense, but I don't know how. I feel so guilty. Giving to others is not bad, but giving at the expense of our own well-being is destructive."

"Although they appear to be living their lives the way they want, they still feel apart from others; they feel lonely. They don't have equal relationships with others; and they always give too much and refrain from putting themselves in a position to receive."

"We are seeking help because we hurt as a result of your alcoholism. You can get help too, if you want, but we need and want help for ourselves regardless of what you do."

"Tell them from now on, this family is going to try to be more open and honest about family affairs and about feelings. Denial only harbors resentment, distrust and fear."

"I believe a child can survive a family crisis as long as he or she is told the truth and allowed to share the natural sequence of feelings people experience when they suffer."

"Emotions become so much more powerful when they are not outwardly expressed, secrets can cause a great deal more pain than is necessary."

"Before you, the adult child, are ready to continue in a therapeutic process, recognize two basic rights:  1) You have the right to talk about the real issues, and 2) you have the right to feel.  You no longer have to pretend things are different from how they are, or were. There are legitimate reasons for the way you feel. There are reasons for the craziness and the confusion you experience. By focusing on these issues, you are not blaming anyone for the situation but simply trying to readjust and live in a way which allows openness, honesty and love to be a normal, healthy part of your life."

"Acceptance of feelings, i.e. anger or joy, without a harsh judgment and a related major decision, combined with the ability to express feelings will decrease fear and feelings of alienation towards oneself."

"As these children of alcoholics become adults many of them continue to experience fear of confrontation. For so many adult children, confrontation is simple disagreement, or questioning -- but the fear is, nonetheless, intense and based on what they perceived to be a real confrontation. These fears may stem from years of harassment by a parent, which always resulted in the child feeling guilty or humiliated. These fears persist, also, because there was never any normal disagreement in their alcoholic homes. Any expressed disagreement resulted in yelling and loud arguing because the alcoholic could not tolerate anyone disagreeing with him/her. Disagreement was perceived by the alcoholic as betrayal, and resulted in actions which belittled and condemn the child."

"I have a lot of issues to deal with about my mother, her constant criticism, guilt because I didn't know why I was being criticized, and finally, my guilt for being alive."

"Extremely responsible, overachieving young people often become very rigid and controlling adults. They find it is necessary for them to manipulate other people. Controlling provides security, and not being in control would mean total insecurity."

"Children of alcoholics grow up never having shared their closest thoughts or feelings with even their very best friend. It is a very lonely, isolated way of growing up. This loneliness continues into adulthood because no one understood their trauma nor wanted to take the time to talk to these children."

Sam Reviews "Summer Sisters" by Judy Blume

"Victoria closes her eyes, breathing in the familiar scent, and for a moment it's as if they've never been apart.  They're still Vixen and Cassandra, summer sisters forever.  The rest is a mistake, a crazy joke."

"Her father, a man who looked surprised when hr opened their front door to find he had four noisy children inside.  A man if so few words he could spend a whole weekend without speaking."

"She imagined jumping into his arms, hugging him as hard as she could to show how thankful she was, but that would have embarrassed both of them."

"She's too tired to worry.  She can't remember what it's like to not be tired."

"Once Victoria gets a taste of another way of life, she'll be lost to them."

"All he wanted was a decent job, a family of his own, kids to love.  He'd be a real father, not that he'd ever seen one in action, but he'd figure it out. Then he met Tawny, a woman who knew her mind.  He liked that about her.  She was no wish-wash like his mother.  Now...hell, it's all different.  And it's made Tawny hard.  Nobody's fault.  Just the way it is."

"Caitlin didn't always tell the truth. She left things out. Sometimes, important things."

"She wondered if all the firsts in her life would go by so quickly, and be forgotten just as quickly."

"It was the kind of summer you don't write home about. Vix didn't exactly lie, but like Caitlin, she began to practice selective truth telling. What her family didn't know wouldn't hurt them."

"He was so laid back he was practically horizontal."

"They clasped hands, closed their eyes, and vowed to never be ordinary."

"'I like the way you worry about me,' Caitlin said.
"'Somebody has to.'"

"A person without curiosity may as well be dead."

"Maybe she was going to ignore Vix's question.   She did that when someone asked her something she didn't want to answer.  She'd just act as if she hadn't heard a word."

"She's a flake but she loves us."

"Fifteen years ago she'd thought they'd be together forever.  Fifteen years ago she'd woven ribbons through her hair."

"Save your tears for something important, Victoria. There's no need to display your emotions in public. Do you want those boys to have power over you?  Keep your feelings to yourself.  Don't ever show anyone your disappointment."

"'You know why she hates you?  It's because you get to escape.  We all hate you for that.' Lanie spoke without emotion, and suddenly Vix understood everything. She got to escape and they didn't."

"Tawny used to tell them Nathan was a gift from God, to teach them to be strong, to teach them to count their blessings.  But what about Nathan?  What kind of gift had God given him?"

"'Someday they're going to fall in love with me.'
"'Why both? Why not just one?'
"'Because it's more interesting if it's both.' "

"'Why does [your mother] have to die for you to grow up and take control of your own life?'"

"I don't like to see young girls getting in over their heads [with older boys].  It's just not wise."

"He's not like anything. He's a person who just happens to have been born with something he can't control. It could have happened to you. It could have happened to any of us. So the next time you see someone in a chair, someone spastic, just imagine if that were you! The same you who standing here now, but your mind's been trapped inside a body you can't control."

"You weren't always born to the right parents. And parents didn't necessarily get the kids they were meant to raise."

"She hated the unpredictability of her body. She hated being fourteen. It felt like a punishment. She just didn't know for what."

"Things change... Things happen... Things you can't even imagine when you're young and full of hope."

"There might be no tomorrow and even if there is, nobody gives a damn."

"Why anyone has children when they could have dogs is beyond me. You get everything from a dog you'd get from a child, plus total acceptance, absolute gratitude."

"She was beginning to see her father as her champion within the family.  She just wished he'd be more demonstrative, more open in his love, if love was what it was about."

"For the rest of her life, every lovers' quarrel would remind Vix of this night, this night when anger crackled in the air. She vowed been in there no guy would ever make her feel that bad."

"Love him? I hardly know him. I'll probably never see him again. It was mostly... Curiosity. But at least I got it out of the way."

"'Cold?' he asked, as she began to pull [the T-shirt] over her head.
"'No.'
"'Then don't...'
"So she didn't."

"'You're not scared if me, are you?' she teased in a husky voice, a voice she didn't recognize as her own.
"'Yeah, I am...' And from the way he said it she was almost sure it was true."

"Woody Allen was obsessed by [death].  Most creative geniuses are."

"She wanted me to make promises I wasn't ready to keep."

"There's something about being her first, about teaching her everything his way."

"She's got a new guy now.  Maybe he can make her come. Maybe he doesn't care if she doesn't."

"Sure he'll come...any second now. So what if he has to tell her he loves her during the act? At that moment he does."

"'God knows what she was following.'
"'Maybe she thought she was in love.'
"'That was her first mistake.'
"'And her last.'"

"You're so scared of that side of yourself you have to run away."

"You're an emotional iceberg, terrified of your own feelings."

"A letter telling him she loved him, apologizing for thinking only of herself that summer, for being too munch in love."

"One thing she knew, she wasn't going to wind up like her mother, disappointed and pissed off at the world."

"Every experience with Caitlin was unforgettable. That wasn't the point."

"How serious? Did she mean were they making plans? They never talked about the future. Wasn't it enough to be in love? Totally, completely, hopelessly in love?"

"'Vix isn't going to do anything foolish, are you?' Lamb asked, to ease Abby's fears.
"Before Vix could answer Abby said, 'But she's in love... Anyone with eyes can see that.'"

"If being in love means giving up your freedom, not to mention your opportunities, then I haven't missed anything."

"Sometimes she worried they were acting old, settled, more tired than excited when they were together. But that would change, wouldn't it, when she was out of school? The real world couldn't be this hard."

"How come he can't talk to them...to his daughters?  Do they know he loves them?"

"For a minute she considered letting down her guard, telling him how uncertain she is was about life and love and everything in between."

"She no longer knew her family, and they certainly didn't know her."

"If he expected her to argue he was mistaken.  She nodded her head calmly and just like that, with no discussion, no questions, no anything, they separated."

"He's always waiting and worrying she's going to end it.  Always looking for signs, expecting the worst. So he jumps the gun, says it out loud before she can. She doesn't even cry.  Nothing. That proves it, doesn't it?"

"Star comes on to him, suggests they get together. So they do. In the storeroom of her shop. ... 'Do me again,' Star says, an hour later. So he does her again. But when he falls asleep, he dreams only of Victoria."

"Live for the moment. There might be no tomorrow. And even if there is, nobody really gives a damn."

"Once I'd satisfied my curiosity... Well, we didn't have that much to say to one another. Two weeks was more than enough."

"She just hopes Vix won't slip back into her romance with Bru because it's easy, because he's there.  She knows how hard it is to break away..."

"The peonies crushing beneath her released their fragrance.  She would never smell peonies again without reliving this moment."

"The problem was, she didn't know what she wanted. Except him. She wanted him."

"Her father's hopes and dreams for her, if she had any, were never articulated."

"You're lucky. You don't have to live up to anyone's expectations but your own."

"She was amazed that these people, who seemed to her to have it made, were already looking for a way out."

"Do you marry someone because the sex is good? Do you marry someone because you know, deep down, he's a decent person, even if you can't talk about the same books?"

"He grabbed the jewelry box out of her hand and for a minute she thought he might hurl it into the river. But no, he shoved it back in his pocket, too practical to give in to his emotions. They were a lot alike, weren't they? Two people who had trouble sharing their thoughts. Two people who kept everything inside. Had she mistaken his silence for depth? His wounded look for sensitivity? She didn't know. She didn't know anything except she wasn't ready. She couldn't promise him the rest of her life. She had no idea where she was going."

"There's a Caitlin in every junior high. You have to get over her and get on with your life."

"Maia worried every time she met a new guy about how it would end, how bad she'd feel when it did, how long it would take her to get over him, whether it was even worth the trouble in the first place. She had no time or energy for bad relationships."

"Some people never get over their first loves. They spend their whole lives trying to recapture the thrill. Sometimes, after fifty years they get back together. They meet at some reunion or other and realize they were meant to be together."

"Victoria is the least spontaneous person in our entire class, but I'd trust her with my life."

"Her life was full. It was interesting. A person didn't necessarily have to be in love."

"Got to keep in touch with your old friends. Old friends know you best."

"For a moment it was as if they'd never been apart. They were still Vixen and Cassandra, summer sisters forever. The rest was a mistake, a crazy joke."

"Caitlin isn't someone to get over. She's someone to come to terms with, the way you have to come to terms with your parents, your siblings. You can't deny they ever happened. You can't deny you ever loved the., love them still, even if loving them causes you pain."

"Caitlin was the magnet. She was just a particle in her magnetic field."

"This island of memories - all the best and worst of her life."

"Maybe that's his problem. He loves them both. He's glad he doesn't have to choose. Glad they've done it for him."

"'I'll always love you. Promise you'll always love me?'
"'You know I will.' And it's true, no matter what, she'll always love Caitlin."

"Love is a hard game to play, my darlings, play it well."