"'Tis the human touch in this world that counts.
"The touch of your hand and mine,
"Which means far more to the fainting heart
"Than shelter and bread and wine;
"For shelter is gone when the night is o'er,
"And bread lasts only a day,
"But the touch of the hand and the sound of a voice
"Sing on in the soul alway."
- Spencer Michael Free
"It was good just to find out you still had a heart, that the ordinary days hadn't worn it away."
"His face was dead, as if he could not understand neither kindness nor love nor mercy. His mouth was set in lines of ultimate, passionless authority."
"My reputation went to hell in a handbasket, but she never got so much as a splash of mud on the hem of her skirt."
"Every now and then I start to think I'm over it [the death of my son] and then it gets on my blind side and hits me again. I guess some things take a long time to shake out, and some things don't ever shake out."
"It's just that [talking about my son] brings him back so. How he was. That hurts, but it feels good, too. Those two feelings are all wrapped up together."
Thursday, March 11, 2021
Sam Reviews "The Romance of Tristan and Iseult" by Joseph Bédier
So did they only love each other because of the weird potion they drank?
Was it really necessary for there to be two Iseults?
"And as by sadness you came into the world, your name shall be called Tristan; that is the child of sadness.”
"They always could stay near his couch because their love overcame their abhorrence."
"So fear maddened the Queen, but not in truth the fear of Brangien who was loyal; her own heart bred the fear."
"For no lovers ever loved so much or paid their love so dear."
"'Sire, since I may choose a reward according to your word, give me the little fairy dog.'
"'Friend, take it, then, but in taking it you take away also all my joy.'"
"Now a woman's wrath is a fearful thing, and all men fear it, for according to her live, so will her vengeance be; and their love and their hate come quickly, but their hate lives longer than their love; and they will make play with love, but not with hate."
"May all herein find strength against inconstancy and despite and loss and pain and all the bitterness of loving."
Thursday, April 16, 2020
Sam Reviews: "Five Quarters of the Orange" by Joanne Harris
I didn't really know what this book was about, and I felt like it had a slow start, but once it got some traction...whew. I was hard pressed to put it down. The writing feels scattered at times, but by the end it makes sense as to why and I appreciate it so much. There were so many things I didn't anticipate, turns I wasn't expecting, and that ending. Highly recommend this story for anyone who appreciate memiors.
"It is a whimsical touch, which surpasses and troubles me. That this stony and prosaic woman should in her moments harbor such thoughts. For she was sealed off from us - from everyone - with such fierceness that I had thought her incapable of yielding."
"And she baited me. Deliberately - or so I thought. Now I think that maybe she couldn't help it, that it was as much in her unhappy nature to bait me as it was in mine to defy her."
"To her, those petty rules mattered because those were the things she used to control our world. Take them away and she was like the rest of us, orphaned and lost."
"'The headache must come soon' she thought. Somehow the anticipation of pain can be even more troubling, more of a misery than the pain itself. The anxiety that was a permanent crease in her forehead nibbled at her mind like a rat in a box, killing sleep."
"Like the clock, I am divided. At three in the morning, anything is possible."
"She was rock salt and river mud, her rages as quick and furious and inevitable as summer lightening. I never sought the cause, merely avoiding the effect as best I could."
"It was the wrong thing to say. Sometimes everything you say is the wrong thing."
"I was in a landslide where every movement starts a new rock fall, bringing a new collapse of the world I thought steady."
"And in that moment I loved him completely and with a suddenness which startled away my rage."
"That's the trouble with heroes, they never quite live up to expectations, do they?"
"I never asked myself whether I loved him. It was irrelevant to the moment. Impossible to equate what I felt, that aching, desperate joy. And yet that was what it was. My own confusion, my loneliness, the strangeness with my mother, the separation from my sister and brother, had formed a kind of hunger, a mouth opening instinctively to any scrap of kindness."
"It wasn't enough. I'd had my day, my one perfect day, and already my heart was boiling with rage and dissatisfaction."
"A child is not a fruit tree. She understood that too late. There is no recipe to take a child into sweet, safe adulthood. She should have known that."
"It is a whimsical touch, which surpasses and troubles me. That this stony and prosaic woman should in her moments harbor such thoughts. For she was sealed off from us - from everyone - with such fierceness that I had thought her incapable of yielding."
"And she baited me. Deliberately - or so I thought. Now I think that maybe she couldn't help it, that it was as much in her unhappy nature to bait me as it was in mine to defy her."
"To her, those petty rules mattered because those were the things she used to control our world. Take them away and she was like the rest of us, orphaned and lost."
"'The headache must come soon' she thought. Somehow the anticipation of pain can be even more troubling, more of a misery than the pain itself. The anxiety that was a permanent crease in her forehead nibbled at her mind like a rat in a box, killing sleep."
"Like the clock, I am divided. At three in the morning, anything is possible."
"She was rock salt and river mud, her rages as quick and furious and inevitable as summer lightening. I never sought the cause, merely avoiding the effect as best I could."
"It was the wrong thing to say. Sometimes everything you say is the wrong thing."
"I was in a landslide where every movement starts a new rock fall, bringing a new collapse of the world I thought steady."
"And in that moment I loved him completely and with a suddenness which startled away my rage."
"That's the trouble with heroes, they never quite live up to expectations, do they?"
"I never asked myself whether I loved him. It was irrelevant to the moment. Impossible to equate what I felt, that aching, desperate joy. And yet that was what it was. My own confusion, my loneliness, the strangeness with my mother, the separation from my sister and brother, had formed a kind of hunger, a mouth opening instinctively to any scrap of kindness."
"It wasn't enough. I'd had my day, my one perfect day, and already my heart was boiling with rage and dissatisfaction."
"A child is not a fruit tree. She understood that too late. There is no recipe to take a child into sweet, safe adulthood. She should have known that."
Monday, April 6, 2020
Sam Reviews "The Sword of Goliath" by Anthony Jones
I acquired this book by winning a Giveaway an Goodreads and so I will try not to be harsh, however this was not the book for me. I went into it knowing it was a touch out of my typical genre and reminded myself to have an open mind knowing this was going to be a "Religious Adventure". My issues were primarily that the book went from explaining the supernatural powers of angels and fallen angels to then integrate witches and wizards, as well. This was unexpected and honestly felt like a mixing of genres that wasn't necessarily welcome.
Additionally, the writing at times felt very slow, to the point where I was nodding off trying to get through sub-chapters. The adventure in and of itself was well put together and well explained. However, most other aspects of this book felt either exhaustive with description or forced to fit which resulted in a clunky narrative. Despite the fact that this book sometimes felt extremely descriptive, the author would also quickly introduce characters with minimal backstory which resulted in a lot of confusion during scenes where multiple new characters were thrown together.
This book took me almost a month to read because I did not feel invested in the story, I could mostly anticipate the ending, and it felt more like a chore to read than an exciting adventure.
"Jake remembered thinking the master was quite the hard man; he was very cold, and showed little tolerance for laziness. Moreover, he had an expectation of performance or duty when none was made clear. Jake would remember this, and would later strive for success in all things regardless of expectations."
"Remembering his childhood and the hundreds of books he'd consumed until he became distracted by life at age fourteen and stopped reading altogether."
"Jake thought it strange, how everything in prison seemed to be about respect; it was so overstated, considering most of the inmates were locked up for some form of disrespect."
Additionally, the writing at times felt very slow, to the point where I was nodding off trying to get through sub-chapters. The adventure in and of itself was well put together and well explained. However, most other aspects of this book felt either exhaustive with description or forced to fit which resulted in a clunky narrative. Despite the fact that this book sometimes felt extremely descriptive, the author would also quickly introduce characters with minimal backstory which resulted in a lot of confusion during scenes where multiple new characters were thrown together.
This book took me almost a month to read because I did not feel invested in the story, I could mostly anticipate the ending, and it felt more like a chore to read than an exciting adventure.
*Semi-spoiler alert*
.
.
.
.
When I finally did convince myself to sit down and finish the final 60 pages...the conflict we had been building up to ended quickly and simply and - quite frankly - underwhelmingly. So the amount of time I spent on this book felt wasted. I understand that the author intends to write many more books but I personally cannot see myself spending the time to explore them.
.
.
.
.
"Remembering his childhood and the hundreds of books he'd consumed until he became distracted by life at age fourteen and stopped reading altogether."
"Jake thought it strange, how everything in prison seemed to be about respect; it was so overstated, considering most of the inmates were locked up for some form of disrespect."
Monday, March 9, 2020
Sam Reviews "The God of Small Things" by Arundhati Roy
India's "To Kill a Mockingbird", "Jon Benet Ramsey Mystery", "An Indian Tragedy" if you will. Which is to say, a long, round-about story, that could have been so much more interesting if written differently. At least if you ask me. I struggled so hard to get through this book, and if it wasn't a book club choice I more than likely wouldn't have finished it. The writing style was odd and confusing. Most of the time I felt as if I couldn't understand what was happening or follow along. I had an audio book playing while I read this book hoping it would help me retain it but I ended this book confused. The final Six Chapters are when I finally started getting intrigued by the book I am still unsure of how it ended...glad to have a book club to discuss this.
"A sunbeam lent to us too briefly."
"Estha's silence was never awkward. Never intrusive. Never noisy. It wasn't an accusing, protesting silence as much as a sort of estivation, a dormancy, the psychological equivalent of what lungfish do to get themselves through the dry season, except that in Estha's case the dry season looked as though it would last forever.
"Over time he had acquired the ability to blend into the background of wherever he was - into bookshelves, gardens, curtains, doorways, streets - to appear inanimate, almost invisible to the untrained eye. It usually took strangers a while to notice him even when they were in the same room with him. It took them even longer to notice that he never spoke. Some never noticed at all.
"Estha occupied very little space in the world."
"The fact that something so fragile, so unbearably tender had survived, had been allowed to exist, was a miracle."
"He walked through the world like a chameleon. Never revealing himself, never appearing not to. Emerging through the chaos unscathed."
"It is curious how sometimes the memory of death lives on for so much longer than the memory of the life that it purloined."
"Ammu said that Chacko had never stopped loving Margaret Kochamma. Mammachi disagreed. She liked to believe that he had never loved her in the first place."
"She was twenty-seven that year, and in the pit of her stomach she carried the cold knowledge that, for her, life had been lived. She had had one chance. She made a mistake. She married the wrong man."
"Human beings were creatures of habit, and it was amazing the kind of things they could get used to. You only had to look around you, to see that beatings with brass vases were the least of them."
"History's smell. Like old roses on a breeze. It would lurk forever in ordinary things. In coat hangers. Tomatoes. In the tar on roads. In certain colors. In the plates at a restaurant. In the absence of words. And the emptiness in eyes."
"In her mind she kept an organized, careful account of Things She'd Done For People, and Things People Hadn't Done For Her."
"People always loved best what they Identified most with."
"Fast foster flies: -
"Never let it rest
"Until the fast is faster;
"And the faster's fest."
"When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That's what careless words do. They make people love you a little less."
"And the Air was full Of Thoughts and Things to Say. But at times like these, only the Small Things are ever said. The Big Things lurk unsaid inside."
"Ariel the Tempest" - Ariel is a spirit who appears in William Shakespeare's play The Tempest. Ariel is bound to serve the magician Prospero, who rescued him from the tree in which he was imprisoned by Sycorax, the witch who previously inhabited the island.
"An angry feeling rose in her and stopped around her heart A Far More Angry Than Necessary feeling."
"Mammachi had never met Margaret Kochamma. But she despised her anyway. Shopkeepers's daughter was how Margaret Kochamma was filed away in Mammachi's mind. Mammachi's world was arranged that way."
"Mammachi had a separate entrance built for Chacko's room ... so that the objects of his 'Needs' wouldn't have to go traipsing through the house. She secretly slipped them money to keep them happy. They took it because they needed it. They had young children and old parents. Or husbands who spent all their earnings in toddy bars. The arrangement suited Mammachi, because in her mind, a fee clarified things. Disjuncted sex from love. Needs from feelings."
"Leaving everybody to wonder where she had learned her effrontery from. And truth be told, it was no small wondering matter. Because Ammu had not had the kind of education, nor read the sorts of books, nor met the sorts of people, that might have influenced her to think the way she did. She was just that sort of animal."
"He left behind a Hole in the Universe through which darkness poured like liquid tar. Through which their mother followed without even turning to wave good-bye. She left them behind, spinning in the dark, with no moorings, in a place with no foundation."
"If he touched her, he couldn't talk to her. If he loved her, he couldn't leave. If he spoke, he couldn't listen. If he fought, he couldn't win."
"The lovers make a suicide pact, and are found the next morning, washed up on the beach with their arms around each other. So everybody dies. The fisherman, his wife, her live, and a shark that has no part in the story, but dies anyway. The sea claims them all."
"Trapped in the bog of a story that was and wasn't theirs. That had set out with the semblance of structure and order, then bolted like a frightened horse into anarchy."
"The twins, not rude, not polite, said nothing. They walked home together. He and She. We and Us."
"[She] did her best to face the tragedy with equanimity. To pretend to face the tragedy with equanimity. She didn't take time off from her job. She saw to it that [her daughter]'s school routine remained unchanged - Finish your homework. Eat your egg. No, we can't not go to school. She concealed her anguish under the brisk, practical mask of a schoolteacher. The stern, schoolteacher-shaped Hole in the Universe (who sometimes slapped)."
"They were both men whom childhood had abandoned without a trace. Men without curiosity. Without a doubt. Both in their own way truly, terrifyingly adult. They looked out at the world and never wondered how it worked, because they knew. They worked it. They were mechanics who services different parts of the same machine."
"[She] went forth into the world. To drive a hard bargain. To negotiate a friendship. A friendship that, unfortunately, would be left dangling, Incomplete. Flailing in the air with no foothold. A friendship that never circled around into a story which is why, far more quickly than ever should have happened, Sophie Mol became a Memory, while The Loss of Sophie Mol grew robust and alive. Like a fruit in season. Every season."
"[He] used 'I suppose' to disguise questions as statements. He hated asking questions unless they were personal ones. Questions signified a vulgar display of ignorance."
"Like the ticking of a clock. A sound you hardly noticed, but would miss if it stopped."
"Feelings of contempt born of inchoate, unacknowledged fear - civilization's fear of nature, men's fear of women, power's fear of powerlessness. Men's subliminal urge to destroy what he could neither subdue nor defy."
"A sunbeam lent to us too briefly."
"Estha's silence was never awkward. Never intrusive. Never noisy. It wasn't an accusing, protesting silence as much as a sort of estivation, a dormancy, the psychological equivalent of what lungfish do to get themselves through the dry season, except that in Estha's case the dry season looked as though it would last forever.
"Over time he had acquired the ability to blend into the background of wherever he was - into bookshelves, gardens, curtains, doorways, streets - to appear inanimate, almost invisible to the untrained eye. It usually took strangers a while to notice him even when they were in the same room with him. It took them even longer to notice that he never spoke. Some never noticed at all.
"Estha occupied very little space in the world."
"The fact that something so fragile, so unbearably tender had survived, had been allowed to exist, was a miracle."
"He walked through the world like a chameleon. Never revealing himself, never appearing not to. Emerging through the chaos unscathed."
"It is curious how sometimes the memory of death lives on for so much longer than the memory of the life that it purloined."
"Ammu said that Chacko had never stopped loving Margaret Kochamma. Mammachi disagreed. She liked to believe that he had never loved her in the first place."
"She was twenty-seven that year, and in the pit of her stomach she carried the cold knowledge that, for her, life had been lived. She had had one chance. She made a mistake. She married the wrong man."
"Human beings were creatures of habit, and it was amazing the kind of things they could get used to. You only had to look around you, to see that beatings with brass vases were the least of them."
"History's smell. Like old roses on a breeze. It would lurk forever in ordinary things. In coat hangers. Tomatoes. In the tar on roads. In certain colors. In the plates at a restaurant. In the absence of words. And the emptiness in eyes."
"In her mind she kept an organized, careful account of Things She'd Done For People, and Things People Hadn't Done For Her."
"People always loved best what they Identified most with."
"Fast foster flies: -
"Never let it rest
"Until the fast is faster;
"And the faster's fest."
"When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That's what careless words do. They make people love you a little less."
"And the Air was full Of Thoughts and Things to Say. But at times like these, only the Small Things are ever said. The Big Things lurk unsaid inside."
"Ariel the Tempest" - Ariel is a spirit who appears in William Shakespeare's play The Tempest. Ariel is bound to serve the magician Prospero, who rescued him from the tree in which he was imprisoned by Sycorax, the witch who previously inhabited the island.
"An angry feeling rose in her and stopped around her heart A Far More Angry Than Necessary feeling."
"Mammachi had never met Margaret Kochamma. But she despised her anyway. Shopkeepers's daughter was how Margaret Kochamma was filed away in Mammachi's mind. Mammachi's world was arranged that way."
"Mammachi had a separate entrance built for Chacko's room ... so that the objects of his 'Needs' wouldn't have to go traipsing through the house. She secretly slipped them money to keep them happy. They took it because they needed it. They had young children and old parents. Or husbands who spent all their earnings in toddy bars. The arrangement suited Mammachi, because in her mind, a fee clarified things. Disjuncted sex from love. Needs from feelings."
"Leaving everybody to wonder where she had learned her effrontery from. And truth be told, it was no small wondering matter. Because Ammu had not had the kind of education, nor read the sorts of books, nor met the sorts of people, that might have influenced her to think the way she did. She was just that sort of animal."
"He left behind a Hole in the Universe through which darkness poured like liquid tar. Through which their mother followed without even turning to wave good-bye. She left them behind, spinning in the dark, with no moorings, in a place with no foundation."
"If he touched her, he couldn't talk to her. If he loved her, he couldn't leave. If he spoke, he couldn't listen. If he fought, he couldn't win."
"The lovers make a suicide pact, and are found the next morning, washed up on the beach with their arms around each other. So everybody dies. The fisherman, his wife, her live, and a shark that has no part in the story, but dies anyway. The sea claims them all."
"Trapped in the bog of a story that was and wasn't theirs. That had set out with the semblance of structure and order, then bolted like a frightened horse into anarchy."
"The twins, not rude, not polite, said nothing. They walked home together. He and She. We and Us."
"[She] did her best to face the tragedy with equanimity. To pretend to face the tragedy with equanimity. She didn't take time off from her job. She saw to it that [her daughter]'s school routine remained unchanged - Finish your homework. Eat your egg. No, we can't not go to school. She concealed her anguish under the brisk, practical mask of a schoolteacher. The stern, schoolteacher-shaped Hole in the Universe (who sometimes slapped)."
"They were both men whom childhood had abandoned without a trace. Men without curiosity. Without a doubt. Both in their own way truly, terrifyingly adult. They looked out at the world and never wondered how it worked, because they knew. They worked it. They were mechanics who services different parts of the same machine."
"[She] went forth into the world. To drive a hard bargain. To negotiate a friendship. A friendship that, unfortunately, would be left dangling, Incomplete. Flailing in the air with no foothold. A friendship that never circled around into a story which is why, far more quickly than ever should have happened, Sophie Mol became a Memory, while The Loss of Sophie Mol grew robust and alive. Like a fruit in season. Every season."
"[He] used 'I suppose' to disguise questions as statements. He hated asking questions unless they were personal ones. Questions signified a vulgar display of ignorance."
"Like the ticking of a clock. A sound you hardly noticed, but would miss if it stopped."
"Feelings of contempt born of inchoate, unacknowledged fear - civilization's fear of nature, men's fear of women, power's fear of powerlessness. Men's subliminal urge to destroy what he could neither subdue nor defy."
Thursday, February 13, 2020
Sam Reviews "Down a Dark Hall" by Lois Duncan
"The girl clinging to [her father's arm in the picture] was harder to remember. Had her mother ever really been that young and carefree, so radiant with joy?"
"You do have talent, Kit. Maybe someday you'll realize how much. There are all sorts of talents in the world, and only one of them is music."
"The eyes were those of a girl who was not as sure on the inside as she appeared outwardly to be. 'Who am I?' the eyes asked. 'What is my place in life? Am I pretty? Do people like me? Does Jules like me? In what direction am I going? Will I accomplish anything worthwhile in my lifetime? Will I be happy? Am I worth loving?'"
"How strange, to be writing a letter which I know will never reach you. And yet, I must; perhaps having you to talk to is what is keeping me sane."
"You do have talent, Kit. Maybe someday you'll realize how much. There are all sorts of talents in the world, and only one of them is music."
"The eyes were those of a girl who was not as sure on the inside as she appeared outwardly to be. 'Who am I?' the eyes asked. 'What is my place in life? Am I pretty? Do people like me? Does Jules like me? In what direction am I going? Will I accomplish anything worthwhile in my lifetime? Will I be happy? Am I worth loving?'"
"How strange, to be writing a letter which I know will never reach you. And yet, I must; perhaps having you to talk to is what is keeping me sane."
Tuesday, January 21, 2020
Sam Reviews: "It Will Never Happen to Me" by Claudia Black
"Should a child of an alcoholic neither become alcoholic, nor marry an alcoholic, emotional and/or psychological patterns develop which may cause problems for this person in adulthood. Adult children of alcoholics often have difficulties identifying and expressing feelings. They become rigid and controlling. Some find themselves overly dependent on others; they feel no sense of power of choice in the way they live. A pervasive sense of fear and guilt often exists in their lives. Many experience depression and frequently do not have the ability to feel close or to be intimate with another human being."
"I believe helplessness, despair and hopelessness cause family members to believe -- if you just ignore it, maybe it will not hurt; if you just ignore it, it may just go away."
"Children raised in alcoholic family structures have learned how to not trust others in talking about the real issues. They have also learned it is simply best to not trust that others will be there for them, emotionally, psychologically, and possibly even physically. To trust another means investing confidence, reliance, and faith in that person. Confidence, reliance, and faithfulness are virtues often missing in the alcoholic home. Children need to be able to depend on parents to meet their physical and emotional needs in order to develop trust. In alcoholic environments, parents simply are not consistently available to their children either by being drunk, physically absent, or mentally and emotionally preoccupied with alcohol, or with the alcoholic."
"I'm order for children to trust, they must feel safe. They need to be able to depend on their parents for friendly help, concern and guidance in responding to physical and emotional needs."
"The child is confused because one message is coming from his parent's words, and a contradictory message is coming from the body movement and tone of voice. Such confusing messages propel the child into a life of second guessing what is really happening."
"The single-most important ingredient in a nurturing relationship -- in any relationship -- is honesty. No child can trust, or be expected to trust, unless those around him are also open and honest about their own feelings."
"Love is caring enough to help but sometimes it runs out."
"People tend to deny and minimize both situations and feelings in order to hide their own pain; they don't want to be uncomfortable. It is this ability to deny which ultimately interferes in the emotional and psychological stability of children of alcoholics when they reach adulthood."
"It is easy to see how adjusters find mates who cause uproar. This state of living in constant agitation becomes their comfort zone because they are perpetuating childhood roles of adapting to inconsistent people. They know how to handle chaotic situations -- adjust. Yet, this kind of self-negating adjusting results in the person becoming depressed, isolated and lonely."
"I need to become more selfish. I must quit serving everyone else at my own expense, but I don't know how. I feel so guilty. Giving to others is not bad, but giving at the expense of our own well-being is destructive."
"Although they appear to be living their lives the way they want, they still feel apart from others; they feel lonely. They don't have equal relationships with others; and they always give too much and refrain from putting themselves in a position to receive."
"We are seeking help because we hurt as a result of your alcoholism. You can get help too, if you want, but we need and want help for ourselves regardless of what you do."
"Tell them from now on, this family is going to try to be more open and honest about family affairs and about feelings. Denial only harbors resentment, distrust and fear."
"I believe a child can survive a family crisis as long as he or she is told the truth and allowed to share the natural sequence of feelings people experience when they suffer."
"Emotions become so much more powerful when they are not outwardly expressed, secrets can cause a great deal more pain than is necessary."
"Before you, the adult child, are ready to continue in a therapeutic process, recognize two basic rights: 1) You have the right to talk about the real issues, and 2) you have the right to feel. You no longer have to pretend things are different from how they are, or were. There are legitimate reasons for the way you feel. There are reasons for the craziness and the confusion you experience. By focusing on these issues, you are not blaming anyone for the situation but simply trying to readjust and live in a way which allows openness, honesty and love to be a normal, healthy part of your life."
"Acceptance of feelings, i.e. anger or joy, without a harsh judgment and a related major decision, combined with the ability to express feelings will decrease fear and feelings of alienation towards oneself."
"As these children of alcoholics become adults many of them continue to experience fear of confrontation. For so many adult children, confrontation is simple disagreement, or questioning -- but the fear is, nonetheless, intense and based on what they perceived to be a real confrontation. These fears may stem from years of harassment by a parent, which always resulted in the child feeling guilty or humiliated. These fears persist, also, because there was never any normal disagreement in their alcoholic homes. Any expressed disagreement resulted in yelling and loud arguing because the alcoholic could not tolerate anyone disagreeing with him/her. Disagreement was perceived by the alcoholic as betrayal, and resulted in actions which belittled and condemn the child."
"I have a lot of issues to deal with about my mother, her constant criticism, guilt because I didn't know why I was being criticized, and finally, my guilt for being alive."
"Extremely responsible, overachieving young people often become very rigid and controlling adults. They find it is necessary for them to manipulate other people. Controlling provides security, and not being in control would mean total insecurity."
"Children of alcoholics grow up never having shared their closest thoughts or feelings with even their very best friend. It is a very lonely, isolated way of growing up. This loneliness continues into adulthood because no one understood their trauma nor wanted to take the time to talk to these children."
"I believe helplessness, despair and hopelessness cause family members to believe -- if you just ignore it, maybe it will not hurt; if you just ignore it, it may just go away."
"Children raised in alcoholic family structures have learned how to not trust others in talking about the real issues. They have also learned it is simply best to not trust that others will be there for them, emotionally, psychologically, and possibly even physically. To trust another means investing confidence, reliance, and faith in that person. Confidence, reliance, and faithfulness are virtues often missing in the alcoholic home. Children need to be able to depend on parents to meet their physical and emotional needs in order to develop trust. In alcoholic environments, parents simply are not consistently available to their children either by being drunk, physically absent, or mentally and emotionally preoccupied with alcohol, or with the alcoholic."
"I'm order for children to trust, they must feel safe. They need to be able to depend on their parents for friendly help, concern and guidance in responding to physical and emotional needs."
"The child is confused because one message is coming from his parent's words, and a contradictory message is coming from the body movement and tone of voice. Such confusing messages propel the child into a life of second guessing what is really happening."
"The single-most important ingredient in a nurturing relationship -- in any relationship -- is honesty. No child can trust, or be expected to trust, unless those around him are also open and honest about their own feelings."
"Love is caring enough to help but sometimes it runs out."
"People tend to deny and minimize both situations and feelings in order to hide their own pain; they don't want to be uncomfortable. It is this ability to deny which ultimately interferes in the emotional and psychological stability of children of alcoholics when they reach adulthood."
"It is easy to see how adjusters find mates who cause uproar. This state of living in constant agitation becomes their comfort zone because they are perpetuating childhood roles of adapting to inconsistent people. They know how to handle chaotic situations -- adjust. Yet, this kind of self-negating adjusting results in the person becoming depressed, isolated and lonely."
"I need to become more selfish. I must quit serving everyone else at my own expense, but I don't know how. I feel so guilty. Giving to others is not bad, but giving at the expense of our own well-being is destructive."
"Although they appear to be living their lives the way they want, they still feel apart from others; they feel lonely. They don't have equal relationships with others; and they always give too much and refrain from putting themselves in a position to receive."
"We are seeking help because we hurt as a result of your alcoholism. You can get help too, if you want, but we need and want help for ourselves regardless of what you do."
"Tell them from now on, this family is going to try to be more open and honest about family affairs and about feelings. Denial only harbors resentment, distrust and fear."
"I believe a child can survive a family crisis as long as he or she is told the truth and allowed to share the natural sequence of feelings people experience when they suffer."
"Emotions become so much more powerful when they are not outwardly expressed, secrets can cause a great deal more pain than is necessary."
"Before you, the adult child, are ready to continue in a therapeutic process, recognize two basic rights: 1) You have the right to talk about the real issues, and 2) you have the right to feel. You no longer have to pretend things are different from how they are, or were. There are legitimate reasons for the way you feel. There are reasons for the craziness and the confusion you experience. By focusing on these issues, you are not blaming anyone for the situation but simply trying to readjust and live in a way which allows openness, honesty and love to be a normal, healthy part of your life."
"Acceptance of feelings, i.e. anger or joy, without a harsh judgment and a related major decision, combined with the ability to express feelings will decrease fear and feelings of alienation towards oneself."
"As these children of alcoholics become adults many of them continue to experience fear of confrontation. For so many adult children, confrontation is simple disagreement, or questioning -- but the fear is, nonetheless, intense and based on what they perceived to be a real confrontation. These fears may stem from years of harassment by a parent, which always resulted in the child feeling guilty or humiliated. These fears persist, also, because there was never any normal disagreement in their alcoholic homes. Any expressed disagreement resulted in yelling and loud arguing because the alcoholic could not tolerate anyone disagreeing with him/her. Disagreement was perceived by the alcoholic as betrayal, and resulted in actions which belittled and condemn the child."
"I have a lot of issues to deal with about my mother, her constant criticism, guilt because I didn't know why I was being criticized, and finally, my guilt for being alive."
"Extremely responsible, overachieving young people often become very rigid and controlling adults. They find it is necessary for them to manipulate other people. Controlling provides security, and not being in control would mean total insecurity."
"Children of alcoholics grow up never having shared their closest thoughts or feelings with even their very best friend. It is a very lonely, isolated way of growing up. This loneliness continues into adulthood because no one understood their trauma nor wanted to take the time to talk to these children."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)